I’m going to be completely open and honest with you: I used to date total douchebags. Not all of them, but I made a pretty good run of it. They “weren't romantic”. Reasons varied from not falling into the “badman tings” category to just being plain lazy and couldn’t be arsed. Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly spoiled with gifts. Not on my birthday. Not on Valentine’s day. Not on anniversaries. And I literally never got flowers.
So I started to tell myself a little lie: I don’t like flowers; and I’m allergic to them anyway. The truth is I am actually mildly allergic to flowers - I have hayfever- but it’s tolerable and almost nonexistent with medication.
But this way I didn’t get hurt. I preempted anniversaries and other special occasions by repeating this lie, knowing deep down that it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. I was never going to be getting those flowers regardless. I just made it easier for them. I knew they wouldn’t go out of their way to do something special for me. But that hurt me...so I devised a way of cushioning the blow.
It worked very well: I continued to not receive any flowers and I continued to convince myself that it wa s for a good reason.
After a spate of being single at the right time in my life, I realised that I can’t rely on men, or anyone else for that matter, for my happiness. It can only come from within. And in the same way I can’t rely on a man or anyone else to make me feel special. For example, by buying me flowers. What started as a once off impulse buy became a weekly ritual in self love. Every shop, I’d take the time to pick a nice bunch of flowers or two to decorate my room with. I never spent lots - sometimes they were from Aldi - but it was a practice that consistently reminded me of how much I care for myself and that I don’t need anyone else to make me feel special or worth it.
Now in a stable, healthy relationship with a man who does, on occasion, buy me flowers, I still engage in the same practice. Because as much as I appreciate his gesture, it still doesn’t change how much I enjoy buying the flowers for myself. And here’s the thing - it would be really difficult to find or convince a man to buy me flowers every damn week. Even if I did, would he still buy them if I had pissed him off that day? Or if we were arguing a lot? Maybe he’s just had a busy week and it doesn’t happen to cross his mind.
So the flowers become conditional on my behaviour, his mood and the state of our relationship. Intertwined in the throes of a long term romance...he may just tire of doing so...you may even break up. Then what...no more flowers?
Set the standard and maintain it girl. Buy your own damn flowers and treat yourself like the Warrior Queen you are!